I’m going to cut right to the chase with this blog : if you’re the sort of guy who doesn’t think having a good wash is essential before meeting an escort, we don’t want you as a customer.

I don’t mean spraying a bit of Old Spice down your kecks either. I mean clothes off, in the shower, naked with soap rubbed everywhere.

We are happy with a lot of things. You don’t look like Brad Pitt? No problem (though if you do please call and ask to book Lisa). You’re socially awkward/incredibly shy? No problem. You’re overweight? No problem. You’re old enough to be our grandfather? No problem. But turning up to a booking in the same suit you’ve been wearing all day – refusing the wash before your date? PROBLEM.

Most clients make one hell of an effort before meeting an escort and it’s very much appreciated. The ladies themselves spend no less than an hour getting ready for each booking, often longer, making sure they are immaculately groomed. I don’t expect the same amount of effort from you gents, but I do expect you to be perfectly clean. By which I mean well showered in the immediate hour before the booking, not earlier that day!

I will never understand a man who is willing to spend hundreds of pounds booking an escort (in a recent case £1700 to be exact), only to turn up to a booking so dirty that the lady is loathe to go anywhere near him.

So, some ground rules for the occasional stinker that graces my agency with a booking:- If you turn up to your booking clearly unwashed (boys, we always know when you haven’t washed), you will be asked to shower and clean yourself thoroughly. No less than 10 minutes in the shower will suffice and it will done in your booking time. Bear in mind that being told you stink by your date is a real passion killer for both parties, so expect to feel embarrassed for the rest of the booking.

If you refuse to shower and wash thoroughly, the lady has two options. The first option is to offer you a reduced service – no oral sex or kissing at all. We are talking a very basic service, not something we would ever dream of providing normally. Our service is delivered with passion each and every time. We aim to make you feel like a million dollars. But if you can’t be arsed to wash, we’ll make you feel like 10 dollars tops. The second option is the lady walks, taking with her a fee to cover her fuel and travelling time. We don’t want your booking to be crap, we really don’t.

We love our customers. We want you to use our agency again and again. We want the girls to text us afterwards telling us what a pleasure you were to spend time with (as often happens), and not how they gagged when they went near your private areas because it was smelly. So pleeeeeeeease make sure you’ve showered properly before a meeting. And if you can’t be bothered to do that, don’t waste your money booking one of our ladies, because we simply won’t tolerate you.